I can't draw any better than a first grader, but I still experience the world in images. Here are some images from my world and those that intersect my world.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Breaking Away
Breakaway…what a great name! The North Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church holds a camp for middle schoolers and high schoolers every summer at lovely Louisburg College. Almost 400 youth gathered to worship our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as well as having a blast! We made our own slip and slides. We made silly home movies. We had worship everyday…Liz Roberts was the preacher…amazing! We studied the scriptures and played silly games with cheetoes and shaving cream. We ate 80 pizzas! The men marched over to the women's dorms in the rain and serenaded us with golden oldies!
Well, that all sounds gloriously boring in print. Luckily, a great time was had by all! No one went home for poor behavior! There were no major injuries! The Gospel was proclaimed and shared with a smile. All in all, a great week.
One thing happened to me personally that will make it a memorable camp experience...
It is a shame that the church forgets how to be the church sometimes. Someone assumed something about me. Instead of speaking about it to me directly, the rumor mill began. Having people talk about me hurt my feelings, certainly. Yet, I had this peace that could only come from God. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so I prayed and waited it out. When the appointed person from the group of people discussing me came to me, I spoke the truth, again with peace. I, however, was hurt more by the process than what was said. It took someone until Thursday to talk to me directly. After the someone talked to me, I was angry and even contemplated going home like a grumpy 5-year old.
Then things began to get in balance again. The person who had initially started the discussion came to me and apologized. The church began to function like a church again.
That is what we do as Christians. When we are wrong, we ask for forgiveness and repent of our wrong doing to God. My friend did just that. I really appreciated her guts for coming to apologize to me. I also admire her for that. She had the courage to admit wrong and mend a broken relationship. What a great thing! That is another wonderful thing about being a Christian. We can turn away from God, yet we can always repent and return to that right relationship with God and our Christian friends.
So, all in all, Breakaway was a difficult yet fabulous week for me. I got to see old friends and make new friends. I also got to see the church at its worst then at its best.
God is so good!
Peace out,
Mary
Friday, June 02, 2006
Boot Camp
Boot camp brings up pictures of Private Benjamin, A Few Good Men, and lots of push ups for me. I got to go to boot camp this month. However, I did not wear anything green or learn to fire a gun. I went to Licensed Local Pastor School, which we affectionately call “Pastor Boot Camp.” Here in nine days, twelve hours a day, twenty-three men and women learned a bit of what it will take all of us to become a pastor as of July 2, 2006.
In the United Methodist Church, clergy must be ordained as an elder, be a probationary elder, or have a license to preach. Those ordained as elders or licensed as local pastors are called to Word, Service, Sacrament, and Order. We are charged with ordering the church, preaching the word, serving the world, and performing the sacraments.
With this license in hand, I can officiate at weddings, funerals, and baptisms. I can even officiate at communion! I am so excited for this opportunity to serve the church in this way! I get to live in the space between God and the people of the church. It is a place that I, and my twenty-two new friends, do not go into without apprehension and flippancy.
I went into this week…let’s say less than thrilled. I knew I had to spend 9 days away from my children and my friends and my church. Horror upon horror! Plus, I thought that I didn’t really need to be there. What could the pastor teaching the day of instruction on preaching teach me that one of the country’s best homileticians at Duke Divinity School didn’t teach me in two semesters of work? Why am I thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt??? Is my Divinity School education worthless???
Yes, I heard things I had heard before. (I am sure other people felt the same way, divinity school or not.) Yes, I had to sleep on a single bed in a dorm. Yes, I had to share a bathroom with 10 women I didn’t know. Yes, I had to go to class 12 hours a day some days. Yes, I took 50+ pages of notes.
However, the week was wonderful! I met twenty-two absolutely fabulous people to be in ministry with and prayer for! What a blessing! I got to hear God speaking to me in the middle of Rocky Mount! I got to run 3 miles every day! I got to eat great food at the cafeteria. (I really mean that too! Yeah NC Wesleyan!) I got to visit my aunt in the nursing home twice! Woo Hoo! Pretty much couldn’t be better other than the nine days…
I am so glad that I went! I admit that I was wrong! Yeah God! God is so funny in the way that God chooses to work. I hadn't decided to have a miserable time, but I wasn't particularly open to the Holy Spirit either. Well, the HS didn't need me to have a completely open mind. The HS was able to break my heart and my stubborn will and flood me with the overwhelming, all-absorbing love of God. God is so very good! I am so glad that God doesn't rely on me all the time! I just can't do it all myself and am not right all the time! So amazing!
Peace,
Mary
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friends
Hello!
I spent this evening hanging out with one good friend, her boyfriend, some of her friends from Grad School, and a friend of hers from like elementary school or something. You know you have a good friend when her friend suddenly becomes your long lost friend! I have had that experience several times in the last several months. Either I have become a lot more friendly, or I have been picking better friends lately!
It is really neat to meet someone through a mutual friend and KNOW that they are a quality, wonderful, caring, and lovely person. I met two friends through Caroline that way recently. How cool is that? I met a new guy friend, Bradford, that way through another couple of friends. It is like the game of telephone or something but with a great ending. I look forward to getting to know Bradford and Sarah and Elaine much better in the near future!
Peace out,
Mary
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Real Entertainment
I felt the planet tip tonight. No, that earthquake they keep talking about did not occur. Instead I had a clear mental picture of a bygone era. There used to be, believe it or not, a time before TV. Radio has not always existed either. There was a time in America where people had to actually talk to one another for entertainment rather than just soak up the next episode of CSI.
I had the distinct pleasure tonight of watching a debate between intellectuals. The impetus of this debate (and I will use that term loosely since it resembled concurrent lectures more than a true debate) grew out of the misinformation placed into the public consciousness by the Dan Brown novel, The Da Vinci Code.
Bart Ehrman of UNC-CH’s religion department and Dr. Richard Hays of Duke Divinity School debated the historical Jesus, the evils of the Church, and selection of the cannon of the New Testament. Both men exhibited passion and knowledge of the subject matter. I was actually surprised at how similar their stances were considering Ehrman’s confessed agnosticism in contrast with Hays’ orthodox beliefs.
Even though I was uncomfortably situated on the floor of the dais, I did not want the evening to end. There was intellectual conversation, witty repartee, laughter, all pure entertainment.
I invite you to turn off you television and engage someone in a discussion. Read a book with a friend. Dissect that poem you have always liked. Take a stand. Have a conversation. Be witty! Be clever! Be intellectual! Turn off your TV and exercise you mind and your voice!
Peace out,
Mary
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Suffering Isn't Just for Black Folk Anymore
Hi again,
I am in the midst of exams, but I thought I would share this paper with you. I have spent this semester reading about things I never knew a thing about. I had no idea how horrible the Middle Passage was. I had no idea the double amount of discrimination Afro-American women deal with every day. I had never read W.E.B.Du Bois. I had never heard of womanist theology. I had never read an account of a lynching. I have spent much of this semester very emotional and not quite sure why. I have grown a lot. If you read this, perhaps you can see some places I have been stretched...
Peace Out,
Mary
Suffering Isn’t Just for Black Folks Anymore
A Critical Essay on the Works of Albert P. Raboteau
And Matthew V. Johnson
In the 2001 Harold M. Wit Lectures given at Harvard Divinity School later published and entitled A Sorrowful Joy, Albert Raboteau gives an autobiographical overview of his Christian walk and his life as an academic. In this narrative, Raboteau challenges the Afro-American community to embrace the Orthodox Church as an extension of the Black Church Tradition rather than dismissing it as an unrelated Europeans-only idiosyncratic religious expression. He argues that the Orthodox Church better honors the Black Church Tradition than the current Black Church. The reader walks on this journey of faith with Raboteau to discover the influences upon his thinking and spiritual formation as well as examining times of personal difficulty with him and witnessing how God acted in those times of trial.
In contrast to the personal narrative of Raboteau, Matthew V. Johnson uses the occasion of the Mel Gibson film, The Passion of the Christ, to discuss the Afro-American Christian use of the passion narrative as formative for theology. Johnson then uses the Passion of Christ as a lens through which to read the Afro-American experience as a group on the periphery of American life. This paper will focus on Johnson’s final section, Crucifixion and the Tragic Vision, while drawing upon themes that run across Raboteau’s entire work including Orthodoxy’s embrace of suffering and redemption and how suffering links Christians to one another. Johnson uses the suffering in the passion narrative to explain that Black suffering is redeemed by Jesus Christ in his suffering while suffering is portrayed on a personal level in Raboteau’s autobiography. Suffering causes Raboteau to change elements of his life. While the non-Afro-American reader might be able to dismiss Johnson’s work as unimportant to his life or her Anglo-centric Christianity, Johnson’s focus on the Passion, indicates how God’s saving action on the cross captured the whole of humanity. Johnson invites the Church, and the white Church in particular, to examine and adopt three distinctives of the Black Church Tradition that honor the Gospel message.
First, Johnson explains crucifixion, not the nature of its painful effects on the human body as a device of torture, but as an instrument used by the powerful to control the people of the periphery. He writes, “Crucifixion is reserved for those on the periphery as opposed to those at the center.” Afro-Americans experienced racial crucifixion in the process of slavery including its lingering forms of subjugation. This subjugation forced Afro-Americans in slavery to question their existence and whether or not they were fully human just as these questions’ ripple effects force Afro-Americans today to question the same things. Johnson explains, “Christ’s incarnation culminating in the cross, leads to a complete identification with the slave and all of humanity at its lowest and is the most concrete expression of its tragic condition.” Black Church Theology works to make sense of the artificially created sense of “other” which black folk were forced to assume. The white power structure took God hostage and began to decide salvation and worth based on race. However, because God became “other” and subsumed humanity in total, including the lowest and least powerful of humanity, Jesus suffered and thereby redeemed all people. Therefore, a sub-group of humanity cannot control Jesus or the salvation he brings in suffering, death, and resurrection. For Johnson, this first distinctive is a message that the Black Church must deliver to the world. In fact, he believes that this message is more in line with the Gospel message found in the Bible than any current expression of Christianity.
Similarly, Raboteau uses this Gospel message of suffering but centers the gospel message in the Orthodox Church rather than the Black Church. He writes, “Christianity is a religion of suffering. The suffering of Christ and of the martyrs is at the center of the Christian tradition and suffering grounds the Christian to the suffering of the world.” Christianity, especially mainline white Protestantism cannot sanitize the gospel message, as one devoid of suffering even though that might be more comfortable. Raboteau goes on to say, “As the old slaves knew, suffering can’t be evaded, it is a mark of the authenticity of faith.” Without the context of suffering, Christianity makes sense only as a “feel good” moral code. Salvation cannot play a part without suffering. Without acknowledging suffering, humanity cannot acknowledge from what it must be saved.
Secondly, Johnson focuses on the dialectic of personal and communal experiences in the Black Church Tradition. In the Afro-American Church, conversion, for example, does not occur in an isolated individual vacuum. The individual shares in the communal spiritual belief structure and therefore joins those people in the spiritual community. The corporate belief modifies the individual belief and vice versa. Because self-worth had to be created, community grew in importance in the Afro-American psyche. Afro-Americans had to grapple with “the utter threat of non-being, which, translated into psychological terms, is the threat of the meaninglessness and worthlessness of existence.” Living in the world feeling meaningless and worthless impacted the worldview of the Afro-American slave, including the view of self. Self worth had to be created by effort, an effort on the part of both the individual and the slave community. Community continues to be important in Afro-American culture. For example, something formative happened when Raboteau read slave narratives while doing his Ph.D. work. These narratives testified to the slaves enduring suffering and even triumphing in suffering. First, he changed from reading them with an academic lens to reading them with a theological lens due to the power of the story. Next, he became linked to their suffering by experiencing it in their writing. Reflecting on that experience, he writes, “I became fascinated by the voices of former slaves…not just as historical evidence but as voices that seemed to speak directly to me.” An understanding of suffering linked Raboteau with others across time and space. In this second distinctive, the Church needs this testimony of the Black Church Tradition, of the building of self and of building community to combat a culture that continually tells the self that it is omni-important and isolated. The Church needs to be reminded that Jesus Christ links all believers together into a community of faith.
In the Black Church, something considered purely individual like a conversion experience, can only be understood within the “context of the rich communal experience.” The individual exists in time and place and as a part of a certain community. The community influences the individual by encouragement or setting the stage or simply providing the expectation of conversion occurring. Yet, this communal experience does not end when the worship experience ends. Johnson explains that this communal experience influences “the intersubjective subset of alternative meanings that formed the slave community’s alternate spiritual world—a world validated only in and through their shared experiences.” The crucifixion of personhood in slavery made the communal identity and belief structure crucial to the mental health of the slave, therefore, creating a tragic view of the gospel with the Passion of Christ as the central theme. This message is not just for the Afro-American community, but is also for the world. This shared communal structure has not dissipated over time. For Johnson, this sense of community exemplifies Christ’s message and is part of the second message from the Black Church Tradition to the world. He writes, “Christ lives in and amid the community and indeed is the community, and as such his broken body mediates grace and wholeness.” Broken individuals can come together to mediate grace and wholeness to one another. Raboteau mirrors this theme of the broken bringing healing to the broken. In describing the Souls in Motion mission where he met his second wife, Raboteau notices how a “wounded” individual ministered to another wounded soul. Furthermore, he believes that the Orthodox Church best displays care for the whole person. The Church can take a cue from this theme of wholeness and draw upon the past and current suffering inherent in the Afro-American experience rather than ignore or diminish it. Likewise, the Church can use the Afro-American Church experience with suffering and pain to minister to the all members of the Church and teach the whole Church how to make sense of suffering and come to an understanding of theodicy.
Lastly, this dialectic of the personal and the communal mirrors the dialectic importance of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ in Black Church Theology. This ability to keep the two events together makes up the final message to the world from the Black Church. Life is tragic, ripping, and painful. By living life abundantly amidst pain, the Afro-American Church shows the path to redemption. Johnson states, “The tragic subject sees reality for what it is but in the midst of it affirms life’s value out of its depth, ever overcoming through creativity and the transfiguring powers of beauty.” Raboteau argues that the Orthodox Church embraces the suffering and redemption abandoned by the Afro-American church. The Church must examine this last distinctive and begin to grapple with past and present suffering in order to circumvent future suffering. With this, the Church must heal the brokenness especially the damage done by the role the Church played and plays in slavery and racism and division.
What do we make of suffering as the Church? How do we make sense of the presence of evil in the world and the suffering it inflicts? The Church must turn and face the suffering inflicted by individual actions and actions within the groups to which individuals belong rather than run from it or deny its existence. A person with pale skin cannot simply push off slavery and the subjugation of humanity as a problem of a bygone era or of a different people. As members of American society in 2006, people participate knowingly, as well as without realizing it, in the eddies and undercurrents of racism, bias, and classism. It is when the Church adopts Johnson’s stance and hears the message of the Black Church Tradition that the Church can gain insight into the quagmire in which it sits. First, we must throw off the bonds of individualism and examine how we can work together and support one another as a community in the Church. Secondly, the Church can no longer pretend that suffering does not exist or that it does not exist in our individual lives. The Church must, like the Orthodox Church and the Black Church Tradition, begin to speak of suffering truthfully. The Church must name the suffering occurring in families today and do something about it. The Church must notice the homeless people ten yards away from the front step of the church building. The Church must find ways to discuss suffering from the pulpit, in the aisles, and in the hallways. Suffering does not only occur in a land far, far away. Every soul has bent and broken pieces and gaping holes where God can heal, and the Church needs to be brave enough to call suffering, suffering and do something about it. Lastly, we cannot ignore the dialectic of death and resurrection. Humans like to think of Jesus on Christmas, as the sweet child in the manger. The Jesus on Resurrection Day is much more dangerous because he calls humanity to change. The Church must be brave enough to cede control to God and allow God to redeem humanity in the way only God can. When suffering happens, God calls the Church to action. When the Church acknowledges suffering, suffering can change to hope. In redemption, humanity gains responsibility. The Church cannot simply “pray about” an issue. Because each human “bears the very image of the Creator,” the church bears responsibility to care for each human whether he is getting divorced, has lost his job, is being discriminated against, or suffers from depression. The Church must begin to name the suffering and take action in the name of the one who suffered for salvation.
Questions for discussion:
1. What does Black Church Theology tell the world today? What should it be telling the Church as a whole? Is the Church willing to listen? Will your congregation listen? What will it take to make that happen?
2. Now we are to the point of the semester when you wonder, so what? After spending this semester reading some difficult material and scratching the surface of the treatment of suffering and evil in Black Church Theology, what has changed in your thinking? What will you take away from this class? How has this class affected your life and/or your ministry?
Friday, March 24, 2006
Much Ado about a lot
I am taking a class on Black Church Theology. We have read many difficult pieces. Here are my thoughts about readings this week:
When I was teaching third grade here in North Carolina in the nineties, I would get so angry in February because it was Black History month. While I was glad that teachers did mention the accomplishments of Afro-American people, I saw it and still see it just as a continuation of the typical paternalistic, racist Anglo worldview. Because Black History month exists, it is then ok to ignore Afro-Americans the other eleven months of the year. When Martin quoted Butterfield, that scenario popped into my mind immediately. Butterfield writes, “Black autobiographies fill in many of the blanks of America’s self knowledge… [because of the] blind spot toward Afro-American culture” (Martin, 16). Black History month has us put on our special 3-D glasses so that we cannot see the huge eraser marks in our history books, magazines, and neighborhoods.
How can we mitigate or modulate the damage or fill these holes in our history? As Martin suggests, writing spiritual autobiographical pieces allowed Afro-Americans to process the pain and suffering and begin to heal from it. Writing “also provided a vehicle through which their authors could gain literary power and authority in the language of the dominant culture” Martin, 21). The writing can cause healing in the writer as well as drawing the reader into the life and struggle of the writer. Perhaps if we look at the writings of Afro-Americans as writings and not as something out of the ordinary to be pulled out of the drawer only in February, we can begin to see people as people and not stereotypes. I remember noticing the lack of race playing a factor in a character in the movie, Much Ado About Nothing. Denzel Washington plays Don Pedro of Aragon, one of the lords of the manor. However, the part was not a “black” part. In fact, Washington’s portrayal had nothing to do with the color of his skin. I remember marveling at that in the first five minutes of the movie and completely forgetting about skin color the rest of the movie. I am not suggesting that racial identity and cultural heritage should be sanitized, but I wonder what we would gain by treating people like people and reading literature because it is literature not merely because of the cultural heritage of the writer. Martin writes, “Liberation from suffering, evil, and oppression was thus perceived to represent only the beginning of a journey wherein one acts with God to exemplify the realities of freedom and justice and community formation within the sociopolitical and religious institutions of a society” (Martin, 24). Are we merely at an early point of the journey from slavery to freedom? How can the church push the culture to move further and faster on that journey?
Sometimes it seems like we merely spin wheels on the journey rather than making real progress. For example, minorities feel trapped by the assumptions about their minority and by their status as a smaller group. The squeaky wheel gets fired, harassed or even lynched. As Stewart writes, “The reason why our distinguished men have not made themselves more influential, is because they feel that the strong current of opposition through which they must pass would their downfall and overthrow” (Stewart, 73). I immediately connected to Stewart’s analogy of Solomon and the temple and whites and America. Solomon got all the credit for the temple and lifted not a finger to build it. America, especially the South, was built by the blood, sweat, and tears of Afro-Americans yet whites can resent their presence in positions of power in the very communities they built. White minds seem to easily regale Afro-Americans to sub-human status yet are unable to change the mindset back. Similar to the shop manager’s comment in Gilke’s piece, if it wasn’t for Afro-Americans, we wouldn’t have a society (Gilke, 1). What skills are being underutilized? Gilke goes on to say, “Black women know how radically dependent their churches and communities are on their presence and actions for both organizational integrity and effective mobilization” (Gilke, 7). How can we turn this tacit dependence into acknowledged power in the church?
If we won’t do things such as this, who will?
Peace out,
Mary
Friday, February 17, 2006
Haze
I am in a lot of pain today due to a fun medical condition. It is nothing to worry about, just annoying. However, it has me thinking about haze. I have gone around today in a sort of a haze. I have had to measure every word. I had to think about things like breathing. And worst of all, I had to pretend that there is nothing wrong to people that just didn’t need to know!
We are like that in life. We have a certain haze that hovers over us and affects how we view the world. You might have the haze of racism or sexism. You might see the whole world as out to get you. You might be angry at your spouse and lash out at the grocery clerk instead.
Psychotherapy has helped me see the haze which has surrounded me most of my life. Naming those issues has been so empowering to me! I am so glad that I was brave enough to name the pain rather than continue to live with a hazy outlook on life. I invite you to look around and see what might be blocking your view of the world and begin to peel back the layers and deal with it.
Peace out,
Mary
Here is a Three Doors Down Song that goes along with my thoughts today...
Running out of Days
(Music by Arnold, Roberts & Harrell)
There's too much work and I'm spent
There's too much pressure and I'm bent
I've got no time to move ahead
Have you heard one thing that I've said
All these little things in life
They all create this haze
There's too many things to get done
And I'm running out of days
I can't last here for long
I feel this current it's so strong
It gets me further down the line
It gets me closer to the light
All these little things in life
They all create this haze
There's too many things to get done
And I'm running out of days
All these little things in life
They all create this haze
There's too many things to get done
And I'm running out of days
Well all these little things in life
They create all this haze
And now I'm running out of time
I can't see through this haze
My friend tell me why
It has to be this way
There's too many things to get done
And I'm running out of days
Friday, January 27, 2006
Life is Good!
Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote this week:
I had my final psychotherapy session today. I am celebrating that! In the last several months, Dr. P and I have been taking a look back and reflecting on where I have been and how my life has changed. I have come a really long way in the past two and a half years! I have come out of a very broken and painful time whole and stronger than when I fell into it. In that, I have really explored family of origin issues and the accompanying self esteem issues that I had not realized I had. I was able to understand things about my father's alcoholism and the manifestation of the pain in that relationship within me. I have really talked about my relationship with my husband and how things got so broken in the first place. I have learned a lot about myself and some good counseling techniques, too. However, the most important thing I have gained from this experience has been the realization that I am indeed a broken sinner in need of the love and healing that only Christ can give. I know that Jesus is my Lord and personal savior in ways I just did not prior to 2003. This experience has really been a tempering event in my life. With that, I can see how I will be a better pastor for going through this experience. I have a new understanding of the brokenness of humanity along with my new humility and skills.
My new favorite T-shirt company and slogan is "Life is Good!" I claim that and am enjoying life immensely. School is going really well though I am really afraid of the exams in American Christianity. I am enjoying my classes and deepening my theological vocabulary. I was paid a high compliment today. I am on the organizing committee for our monthly lunchtime talent show. I emceed the show today. One of my fellow students complimented my banter and said that I was like a younger SB! (Can't beat that sort of compliment!) Working at the E has been wonderful. I, for the first time, am a pastor. My supervisor has treated me like a pastor from day one. The congregation has embraced me and treats me like a pastor. More importantly, I am confident in my call and my identity as a pastor.
However, my life is nowhere near perfect. The difference in the me of two years ago and the me of today is that I have skills to handle anything life throws me. For example, I spent Christmas without my children or my family for the first time, ever. That was extremely painful. I knew it was going to be difficult so, I spent much time in prayer and made plans for the rocky parts. Yet, in that difficult time, God had mercy on me and blessed me in so many ways. I spent Christmas with a friend and her large extended family. I learned lots of Polish Christmas traditions and was able to be helpful to them when one of the children fell ill on Christmas Day. In a show of true agape love, a group of my School friends chipped in and bought me a present because they knew that I would not be receiving many gifts that day. I felt so loved! With the support and guidance of my pastor, I was able to write a sermon in 36 hours and preach it Christmas Day even after being at church late on Christmas Eve. (I know, I know. I will not have two weeks to write a sermon in the real world. However, 36 hours was a big step for me!) Plus, I received no less that 5 invitations to go home with people from my congregation after worship for lunch and Christmas festivities. In every experience, I felt God's love and presence with me. This Christmas was hard, but I would not trade it for anything.
I was strong enough to handle the fire. It is good to feel stronger from surviving the flames. All things are possible with God.
So, I plan to live another Life is Good slogan, "Do what you like! Like what you do!"
Peace out,
Mary Frances
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