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Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote this week:
I had my final psychotherapy session today. I am celebrating that! In the last several months, Dr. P and I have been taking a look back and reflecting on where I have been and how my life has changed. I have come a really long way in the past two and a half years! I have come out of a very broken and painful time whole and stronger than when I fell into it. In that, I have really explored family of origin issues and the accompanying self esteem issues that I had not realized I had. I was able to understand things about my father's alcoholism and the manifestation of the pain in that relationship within me. I have really talked about my relationship with my husband and how things got so broken in the first place. I have learned a lot about myself and some good counseling techniques, too. However, the most important thing I have gained from this experience has been the realization that I am indeed a broken sinner in need of the love and healing that only Christ can give. I know that Jesus is my Lord and personal savior in ways I just did not prior to 2003. This experience has really been a tempering event in my life. With that, I can see how I will be a better pastor for going through this experience. I have a new understanding of the brokenness of humanity along with my new humility and skills.
My new favorite T-shirt company and slogan is "Life is Good!" I claim that and am enjoying life immensely. School is going really well though I am really afraid of the exams in American Christianity. I am enjoying my classes and deepening my theological vocabulary. I was paid a high compliment today. I am on the organizing committee for our monthly lunchtime talent show. I emceed the show today. One of my fellow students complimented my banter and said that I was like a younger SB! (Can't beat that sort of compliment!) Working at the E has been wonderful. I, for the first time, am a pastor. My supervisor has treated me like a pastor from day one. The congregation has embraced me and treats me like a pastor. More importantly, I am confident in my call and my identity as a pastor.
However, my life is nowhere near perfect. The difference in the me of two years ago and the me of today is that I have skills to handle anything life throws me. For example, I spent Christmas without my children or my family for the first time, ever. That was extremely painful. I knew it was going to be difficult so, I spent much time in prayer and made plans for the rocky parts. Yet, in that difficult time, God had mercy on me and blessed me in so many ways. I spent Christmas with a friend and her large extended family. I learned lots of Polish Christmas traditions and was able to be helpful to them when one of the children fell ill on Christmas Day. In a show of true agape love, a group of my School friends chipped in and bought me a present because they knew that I would not be receiving many gifts that day. I felt so loved! With the support and guidance of my pastor, I was able to write a sermon in 36 hours and preach it Christmas Day even after being at church late on Christmas Eve. (I know, I know. I will not have two weeks to write a sermon in the real world. However, 36 hours was a big step for me!) Plus, I received no less that 5 invitations to go home with people from my congregation after worship for lunch and Christmas festivities. In every experience, I felt God's love and presence with me. This Christmas was hard, but I would not trade it for anything.
I was strong enough to handle the fire. It is good to feel stronger from surviving the flames. All things are possible with God.
So, I plan to live another Life is Good slogan, "Do what you like! Like what you do!"
Peace out,
Mary Frances
